What is narcissism?
Narcissism is a trait, much like aggression, assertiveness, affection, charm, etc. This means that narcissism exists on a spectrum and is present at some level in everyone. Yes, we all have at least a sprinkle of narcissistic traits and it’s actually good. Healthy narcissism allows us to have a sense of self-esteem, self-worth, helps us tolerate hardship, criticism, and maintain confidence.
As you move from the healthy end of the narcissism spectrum you become less and less healthy, eventually finding narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This is what comes to mind for most people when they hear the term “narcissism”. This is more than a trait, rather it is a diagnosable personality disorder with severe symptoms.
What is the cause of narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
When interacting with someone who is high in narcissistic traits, or someone diagnosed with NPD, we may see someone who appears to be self-obsessed, grandiose, superior, self-centered, and self-important. The exact cause of high narcissistic traits or NPD will vary from person to person and a definitive link to the development of NPD hasn’t yet been identified. The root of narcissism can generally be distilled down to into a few general categories:
The parenting style they experienced during childhood – this can happen in a few ways:
The narcissist created from pampering:
Were they coddled or highly praised? Were they idolized? Could they do no wrong? Were they overindulged?
The narcissist created from highly critical, insensitive, or emotionally immature parenting:
Were the critical messages from parents in childhood internalized by the child, causing him/her/them to build an ideal image of worth and value (the narcissist we see externally) and be caught in a constant battle for validation, always seeking external validation for the internal doubt?
Was this child emotionally neglected, leaving them without a sense of self, looking to others for validation in adulthood?
Other factors could include:
Genetic factors
Changes in brain function
Family history of mental health disorders
What does it feel like to experience narcissistic abuse? What’s it like to be in a family or other relationship with a narcissist? How do I know?
First, being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse feels confusing as hell and incredibly isolating. There are likely moments where you have felt like you’re losing your grip on reality. You’ve probably even asked yourself the question, “Am I the narcissist?!?!”
Here are a few telltale signs that your family member, partner, or friend has narcissistic traits:
They lack empathy for others
This one can be difficult to identify at times but keep an eye out and if you see the person experiencing emotion, ask what they’re feeling. Most often the emotion will be less about others (e.g., “I’m sad for the child without presents on their birthday.”) and more related to themselves (e.g., “Seeing the child without presents on their birthday reminded me of my childhood and I’m sad for my experience.”).
They are highly envious
They can be envious of the success of their children, their partners, and their friends. This can show up in subtle and extremely destructive ways.
They feel entitled
Whether it is to your time, your physical space, material possessions, or even to things like success or good luck, folks with high narcissistic traits often feel like the world and those in it owe them something.
Narcissistic parents often parentify their children
A parentified child is one that takes on some or all of the responsibilities of the parent. There’s instrumental parentification, giving responsibility to a child for things, like chores, paying bills, helping siblings with homework, childcare, etc. and emotional parentification which might look like caring for a parent’s emotions (soothing a distressed parent, listening to one parent vent about the other parent’s behavior, hearing about financial stressors, providing reassurance or validation to a parent, etc.)
They will use emotional manipulation & sometimes emotional abuse
This could look like using criticism, sympathy seeking, etc. to poke at the places they know will make you feel either sympathy, pity, obligation, or a sense of duty to them.
Emotional abuse can look many ways, here are some of the most common ways, although this isn’t an all-inclusive list:
Humiliation
Accusation, blame, denial
Emotional neglect and isolation, stonewalling, ignoring when someone is speaking to them, walking away, giving the silent treatment, eyerolling, etc.
Gaslighting, manipulating your reality and making you question your basic perception, experience, and competence.
Outbursts of anger & rage
They can’t be wrong and have a need to feel superior to others
If you know, you know. A person with high narcissistic traits will always try to build up their own sense of self-worth and that will often come at a cost to others. This could look like criticism about strangers (e.g., “Look at how disheveled she is, I can’t believe she left the house looking like that.”), family members, or friends.
Additionally, it is near impossible for these folks to ever admit they were wrong, and you’ll rarely hear an apology. If you do hear an apology, it’s some iteration of the classic “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It is highly unlikely that they will take ownership for their actions or for the role they’ve played in a situation.
Admiration from others is vital. They can get their “narcissistic supply” of admiration and attention in many ways, this could be showing off material wealth, a successful child, etc. This could even mean taking on financial debt to obtain material possessions or overworking to achieve the thing that bring about praise and admiration.
They’re one person in public and another person in private.
It is not uncommon for friends, acquaintances, or members of the community to regard those with narcissistic traits highly. Most of these folks can be very personable and can turn on their charismatic charm. Anyone who knows someone with high narcissistic traits or NPD knows that the reality of this person in private is very different. The charisma disappears in private, when insecurity starts to bubble under the surface, the mask can come off revealing something very ugly and hurtful.
You are never enough.
No matter what you do, no matter how much you love them. You, your love, whatever it may be is never enough and they are never satisfied.
They get upset when you place a boundary
This comes back to the entitlement and the need to access you for their “narcissistic supply” of attention and admiration. If you have a boundary in place they no longer feel safe and will likely act out or move into “love bombing” – more on that in another blog post!
I hope this post was helpful in clarifying what it's like to know someone with narcissistic traits. If this feels like your experience, you're not alone and healing is possible. Check out the resources tab on this website for more information, book recommendations, podcasts, and more. If therapy feels supportive, please reach out and schedule a session.
What topics related to narcissistic abuse and healing are you most interested in? Comment below or e-mail me at kaci@thepinecenter.com and I’ll try my best to answer your questions in my next post!
